When People Judge You: 6 Things I've Learned the Hard Way

An Essay and an EXCITING ANNOUNCEMENT!

Welcome to My Way Back, a Substack from Kimberly Phinney, writer, professor, editor, publisher, and founder of TheWayBack2Ourselves.com. You belong here.

Hello, beautiful friends.

I am so glad you are still here…because earlier this week, I wrote my most honest and vulnerable essay for

Dena Dyer

’s Substack, For the Weary and Wounded, and swiftly lost the most subscribers I ever had. And although it stings to be judged and dropped, I am still very much at peace that I wrote my heart out and shared “After the Fire, What Remains is Real.”

But do you know why? Because ONE woman, who is battling cancer, privately messaged me and shared how she absolutely needed my honest words that very night.

THAT is why I write: for the one—and so they don’t feel alone. I want my readers to know belonging and God’s love.

I shared this experience above on Substack notes, and your outpouring of support helped turn this latest writing snafu into a non-event in my writing life, likely because it allowed me to connect even more with you all and further clarify my message and readership… and WHY I am doing what I am doing in this space.

So, this is a BIG thank you for your readership and kindness.

And while we are on the topic of judgment, I was reminded of an old essay I wrote in my blogger archives. So, I thought, why not share it with you now? It received a lot of engagement once upon a time, so maybe there’s something here for you.

Without further ado, here is my essay, “When People Judge You,” slightly updated for today. (You should read the whole thing [I really hope you will!], but just in case you’re wondering, #6 is my favorite lesson.)

---

---

Some seasons in life prove bleaker than others. Some places you’re called to are harder to thrive in than others. And some people you know will hurt you more than others. We’ve all been there before. The terrain is arid and untilled—even downright hostile. The gossip and suspicion can last so long that you swear it’s going to be the end of you.

Sometimes, this is what life looks like. And lately, I’ve been reflecting on these unfortunate experiences we all have in common and how being on the receiving end of others’ judgment can actually grow our character and wisdom. I know that’s an unpopular opinion—an impossible thing—but when we lose man’s esteem (be it our fault or not), it allows us to dig deep and prioritize whose opinions really matter.

I surely don’t know everything, but here are the six things I’ve learned so far:

1: You know they’re wrong.

Honest question: How many times have you ever been 100% correct about something you only knew 10% about? Never. That’s the answer. At least I know that’s the truth for me. As an English teacher for almost twenty years, I often tell my students, “Don’t make someone else’s life a paragraph.” In other words, don’t boil down what little you know about someone to a sound bite. Their life is far more precious than that. And don’t they deserve more than the worst version of you? I can’t possibly know anything true about someone I haven’t spent real time with myself. Anything other than that is just gossip, assumptions, or misinformation.

So, when someone judges you, without true knowledge of you or your story, remember that they are wrong—not you. But also remember that you, like them, most often only know the 10%, so when you make assumptions about others, you are probably wrong, too. Let’s face it, as humans, we are wrong a lot. It’s so much better to stand firm in our own ignorance than it is to repeat the gossip of others. And if you’re the one being judged, it’s so much more tolerable when you realize just how wrong the gossips are.

2: What they say about you says more about them.

We’ve all heard it before: “Hurt people hurt people.” And perhaps it’s because it’s true. So, the next time the rumor-mill is swirling and the personal attacks are being lobbed in your direction, ask yourself one thing: Is what they are saying true? If not, then remind yourself what they are saying and doing says more about them than it does you.

We’ve all seen it before: “They”—whoever “they” are—say you aren’t worth it. They call you names, they malign you, they say you don’t belong… And sure, maybe someone will believe them, but the reality is, there are many more ears listening and eyes watching, and those ears and eyes will realize, as wise ears and eyes often do, that the very people who espouse to be so infinitely knowledgeable about you are, in fact, far worse off than what they claim about you. What irony it is that their woeful attempt to define you is actually a sublime exercise in defining themselves.

So, what do you do in the meantime? Turn the other cheek, dear one. Keep your nose clean and your chin held high. And please, if you did do something to upset them, apologize. Keep a clean conscious and move on. We all make mistakes, but we certainly shouldn’t drag one another through the mud. As my mom and the old proverb say, “The truth always rises.” It will all work out in the fullness of time, as they say—whoever “they” are.

3: The bright side is that you’re on their bad side.

This is something my husband has pointed out to me over the years when I’ve been hurt. He says, “Well, at least you know now—better to know their true colors than not know.” I realize that sounds a little blunt or harsh, but please hear me out because he’s on to something. With an adversary who might be defaming you or gossiping about you, imagine what damage would be done if they were a false friend—someone you trusted and held close—and you never knew it was happening. Consider it a blessing to have such clarity on the content of their character. Be glad they’ve shown you their intentions because cruel intentions gone undiscovered for a long period of time hurt even more.

I used to get upset with my husband for telling me these things when I was feeling so hurt by my circumstances (I’m really sensitive, okay?). But he is so rational and discerning, and quite frankly, he steers me clear of the edge quite often. All of our lives, he’s reminded me that accepting the unfortunate realities of life is vital to moving on, coping, and healing.

So, yes, it hurts like hell when people betray you with their words or deeds, but how wonderful is it to know and accept the unpleasant reality, rather than living unwittingly among the lies? It reminds me of the Bible when Jesus tells the disciples to dust the dirt off their sandals and move on when their Gospel efforts were rejected by the people (Luke 9:3-5).

You won’t be for everybody, and that’s okay—move on in the power of knowledge. And please, don’t make the same mistakes they do.

4: They want to make you fall because you stand for something.

When we stand for something, we are bound to cause a stir. So, consider their ire a compliment. Clearly, you’ve gotten their attention. Maybe you are too principled. Too nuanced. Too smart. Too driven. Too talented. Too unique. Too bold. The list can go on forever. From what I can tell, people love boxes… And if they can’t put you in one, they will try to find a way. They’ll call you names. Or play the victim. They will try to catch you slipping up. Fabricate stories. Coax others to do the same. They will want to see you fall simply because you STAND.

So, what do you do? Just. Keep. Standing. Don’t engage. And don’t give up ground. Keep doing good, honoring your principles and the people you love. It’s really that simple. There’s a great verse in the Bible my mother has quoted to me during the tragedies I’ve endured in my life—just like many of you—and it says this: “Therefore, put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground. And after you have done everything, stand. Stand firm…” (Ephesians 6:13). I love this. This very line has saved my life. All we need to do is stand. God takes care of the rest.

5: Their judgment sets your stage.

There is great irony in this. Gossips spread gossip to tear people down. People judge people because they fear what they don’t understand. Hurt people hurt people. Now people are paying attention, and this turmoil sets the stage. But the stage isn’t theirs to control; it’s yours, dear one. They have propped you up in the center—with stage-lights glaring on you, not them. They have spread your name. They have stirred the masses. What will you do with this opportunity? Will you buckle? Or disappear? Or will you soar? I hope you choose to SOAR. I hope you realize that this is a precious opportunity to prove the naysayers wrong. To bring your truth to the forefront. To fully realize what God made you to do. “They” may have set the stage, but what you do with it is entirely up to you.

I’ll reference a quote I’ve clung to over the years, attributed to author and educator Zig Ziglar: “Live in such a way that if someone spoke badly of you, no one would believe it.” There is nothing sweeter than living well. So, if you find yourself being crushed by judgment and the loss that follows, find your inner strength, find your faith, find your people, and use that power to catapult you toward something good. Take the negative energy and use it to soar.

6: Their judgment shouldn’t be a surprise.

This is where I’m going deep… Stay with me, please? It’s something spiritual I’ve been mulling over for some time as I try to be better and walk through my own valleys. And my epiphany goes a little like this: Why on earth would I expect anything less than the harsh judgment of others? Why on earth am I so idealistic, still? Why am I alarmed? Surprised? Put off? Why should any of us be? We humans are all messed up. We sin. We screw up. We get it wrong.

We got it so wrong—in fact—that we crucified the Savior of the world for His boldness, truth, and grace. We literally hung Him on a cross for it. And HE was the perfect one. The physical embodiment of God. The closest thing we’d ever have to knowing Heaven this side of things. And YET—we brought the ultimate judgment on Him: an unrighteous, agonizing death.

I am nothing compared to Him. I am so far away from His standard of grace, so far away from His perfection. I shouldn’t expect anything better than what He received. Like Martin Luther King. Like Gandhi. Like Joan of Arc. Like so many trailblazers before. And whether you believe in the greatest story ever told or not, I hope we can at least agree on the fact that we humans have a lot to learn—and so much to aspire to. And because of that, we ought to be gentle with one another. And maybe one day we will finally get it right. But in the meantime, the judgments of others shouldn’t be a surprise at all—which means we need to expect it and be prepared to cope. We need to endure it and be prepared to grow.

If what I said means nothing, I’ll close with someone much wiser than me. It’s a poem that has carried me through many points where I wanted to give up. It’s a poem that has saved me. Kept me teaching. Kept me believing. Kept me going through my illness and losing everything—including my job, friends, and community. These words have lifted my sagging head, time and again—when I was surrounded by unbeatable odds.

“Do It Anyway” by Mother Teresa

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies. Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you. Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight. Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous. Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow. Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough. Give the best you’ve got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God; it was never between you and them anyway.

---

So, dear one, see this pain as an opportunity to grow. See this pain as an invitation to greatness. But whatever you do, don’t give up. Don’t break under the pressure. God has made you just as you are for such a time as this.

Let them talk.

Let them do what they will do.

But as for you, you will stand, and you will “do it anyway.”

You belong here,

me

---

THE GREAT GATSBY COHORT is happening August 14 through October 2, and I want YOU to attend. It’s on Zoom (live and recorded). The first 10 students to enroll get $50 off, and if you’re a paid subscriber here at My Way Back (or become one), you get an additional $25 off with a discount code. Oh, and did I say we might have a SUPER, AMAZING special guest!?!?! You’ll have to stick around to find out who they are!

ENROLL IN THE COURSE NOW.

---